some thoughts on the new year

so, yesterday, the second official day of 2009, i woke up to the following stories on the news:

• Army Recuiter Suicides Prompt Investigation
  
• Civilians Caught Up In Israeli Airstrikes
  
• Chicago Murders Top 500 in 2008

another great start to the new year.  i mean, what can be said in response to all of that?  NOTHING.  no matter how much we do, war, violence, injustice, dehumanization...it's not going to end anytime soon.  it's just not the way of the world.  

but.  i've always thought that it's worth it to put up a fight, even if it's a losing battle.  and i've tried, in more than a few of my own little ways.  and some of these attempts have (maybe, kinda) been somewhat successful.  maybe.  and some of these attempts have clearly been dismal failures.  but, i'm done with blaming myself for not changing things fast enough and aggressively enough.  my current efforts are more discreet and less confrontational than some of my past efforts (researcher versus community organizer), and i think they work better for me for right now.

it's time for a little confession, though.  i know the reason i haven't always been successful in making the changes i want to see is that although i have always imagined myself to be a strong and outspoken person, the reality is that i don't have half the guts i wish i had.  i don't have half the guts i sometimes need to say and do and be the things i want to say and do and be.  many times i've been too afraid to speak up--part of that was because of my husband's status, and part of it was just because i am a little bit of scaredy cat, chicken, and cowardly lion, all rolled into one.  it's ironic, really--as much as i've worked to empower others, there are times when i don't think i'm too empowered myself.  and i'd like to change that, if nothing else, this year.  

if i'm going to get that done, then i suppose i've also got to continue on last year's big life plan: DON'T DESPAIR (very original, i know).  that plan was all about letting go of fear and embracing the fact that no matter how awful and ugly the world is, it's also full of mysterious beauty...and everyday there is at least a little chance to create more.   cliche, yes.  but sometimes you need that.

so, that's that.  let's see what we do in 2009.  happy new year, and here's the beautiful nina simone to keep it real.  peace.